Thursday, December 2, 2010

"No regrets" is dumb

I'm jealous of Misty Edwards dreads.

They're nice skinny dreadies. I noticed her try this a year or so ago but it wasn't long before she had straight hair again. I can only imagine she (gasp!) brushed them out - YOW! But a while ago I noticed the tell tale signs of hair back and surprisingly thick and knotty (I'm looking through non-HD, streaming video after all). AH! The dreads were back and now they are looking pretty good making a spastic bun just beneath her snazzy hat ensembles. A standing ovation to her tenacity and bold hair fashion.

I have a long standing love of dreads. In moments of (itty bitty, teensy weensy) identity crisis I have found myself researching the how-to of dreadlocks along with pictures that would show the nice, respectable skinny version I would, of course, employ. Its part of a greater, deeply rooted attraction to grungy hippies. Back in Guate, there was this lake, Lake Atitlan, that German hippies seemed to really like. They weren't the I'm-in-college-and-trying-things-out hippies, they were lifers with little hippie babies that only wore swim bottoms no matter what gender they were. And, here's the icing on the cake, they literally lived in their VW van on the shore of this gorgeous lake. Ah, memories you could hug!

There is one big reason why I don't have dreads and that one big reason is John. I have asked over and over what he'd think about dreads on me and he always gives me a firm thumbs down. He doesn't like the look. I have very straight, very slick (uncooperative) hair so I can see why such a drastic switch would be unappealing to him. And, frankly, it bodes well for me to cooperate with my husbands likes and dislikes - if I'm betting on this marriage to succeed, I'd better cooperate, you know what I'm saying?

I don't have Misty Edwards knock out dreads because of my husband. But lets take it a step further. I don't write Misty Edwards knock out songs, in part, due to her overwhelming amounts of time alone with God and His presence; her great amount of time practicing her craft and ultimately because I'm not Misty Edwards.

I think when people say they have "No Regrets" that its dumb. Seriously, dumb person? You wouldn't change anything you did or decisions you made? Maybe they intend a greater, more existential tone of "even my bad decisions have taught me lessons so I therefore don't regret them". Still. No. There's not a relationship that you marred that you wish you could fix? Yeah, I don't get the "No Regrets" thing.

I have thought twice about my decisions, even down to marriage and children. I don't think that's odd to reflect on the past and weight and consider what could have been. But, frankly, I don't linger there long. My path of marriage and children has certainly closed doors to me that would have otherwise been open, but the upside is so above and beyond any career success or financial gain.

I have the truly priceless reward of marriage. I never knew how real love could be or how much it could change a person. I am very often in awe of what John and I have, its so far beyond anything I could have wished for. I have the great joy of being 2 inches from the face of a baby watching all the micro expressions that happen in the constant movement. But even better its MY baby. The first time I saw first daughter, I thought, "you're familiar". WOW! Marriage and family is a greater miracle than I can explain - you just have to experience your own.

This is what I have instead of dreads and really high selling albums (and the money that goes with that). I used to wish a husband for Misty Edwards. I wished she could really experience on earth all the things she sings about. But we need what she has by having an abundance of time and spending it on Jesus and the fruit that brings. And the earth needs the quirky little redeemers that John and Bizzy can make. I'll keep what I have.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Weird Confession

There is a place where, whenever I go there, I'm swept into adoration of God and thankfulness.

And that place is my shower.

Its weird, and I don't argue that point.

There's even a song that find myself singing when I'm in there: Jan Krist's "Wing and a Prayer", which admittedly is a little odd since I haven't had my hands on the song for more than a decade. Its this acoustic guitar, folk song that my older sister sent to me on a mix tape when I lived overseas as a kid along with some Bonny Rait. To this day its more than a little outside my current 'likes' genres. But it grew on me then and apparently stuck.

I think it has something to do with the shower being one of the few places I have of complete personal and mental privacy. I sing in the shower, too; really sing. Sometimes I just gush out my feelings without bothering to try and remember if any of it is any good and to write it down later. And sometimes I purposely let the moment be an exclusive offering - something that will only live before the Lord in that moment and never be for anyone else's ears.

But its not something I intend to happen. Shower time is all function and business until I find myself caught up in moment awash, pun intended, with gratitude and I find my spirit leaping and worshiping. I mean, I only just started noticing this.

I think I've created an altar of worship in my shower. I'm serious.

I know this because I used to have a similar connection when I was in highschool (in Guatemala) to a window in my bedroom where I would often take time to pray and connect with God before I went to bed. Eventually, over time, all I would have to do was posture myself at my window and all the lightness of worship would come over me before I had even consciously turned my will, heart or mind to prayer and I would just sit in the sweetness of the companionship of heaven. I began to wonder, at the time, if I had so soaked the spot in my prayers that it the residue of worship just lingered all the time.

I have even wondered in my more present tense if there was a spot that I could choose to cultivate as my "place" just like the window had been. Well, it seems I have happened upon a location already. I can't exactly read my Bible there, nor can I stay there for very long, but I'm grateful for any spot in my home/workplace that has that "lightness" of an open heaven.

But it just feels a little funny to use the term "open heaven" in reference to my shower. *shaking head* Life is weird.