I'm going to be a little candid. My boldness lies in my firm belief that the 5 people who currently read this are dear friends and very loving.
Pregnancy is weird.
Context: I'm 7 weeks into the latest Grapperhaus adventure. It is well received and highly anticipated. 2 1/2 years ago was the first time I remember having the conversation about trying without really trying to add to our family. It began there and for 2 1/2 years there was disappointment after disappointment. At one point, we 'tried' every day for 2 weeks just to make sure to be thorough. And I have a pretty good handle on how everything works. (don't get me started about how much women don't know about their own bodies and instead outsource it to a stranger with expensive experience in worst case scenarios). But I am delighted to be pregnant again.
As I've been wrestling with my adjusted physical boundaries, I began to really ponder pregnancy and what it feels like. I took my mind momentarily off the constant hum of nausea and overall 'yuck' to consider what's happening in my body.
I've spent the greatest portion of my life in control of so much that happens in my body. I make my arms and eyes move. I use my voice. I coordinate movements and thoughts in order to cook, play music and even clean while I send cautions to my children over their shenanigans. I am the boss of me.
But this is different. Its completely outside of my reach.
Its as if a family of strangers have moved into my basement. And I can't talk to them or ask what they're doing. I can't watch what they're doing. But they are very industrious and are doing something constantly. They don't acknowledge me and I don't get to see what they're working on. Not only that, they're using up MY resources to do it. The strange family is eating my food, using my paper products and filling up my trash. And the extent of my involvement is to keep going about my business while providing supplies and an overall environment where they can do the work they need to do. Over time, they will gradually take up more and more space until you're cramped into one little corner and feel nothing like the person you've known your whole life.
Who would put up with such nonsense?!
But they best part is the masterpiece that they're working on. Its miraculous. If you have never read into the intricacies involved in the growth of a baby....its astounding. Surely there is an all knowing Creator.
To top it all - there will be an eternal spirit in this creation. Wonderful in the fullest definition of the word.
I can't help but marvel at the function that I, alone, hold in my family - the one person maker, while at the same time having so very little to do with the miracle. This is designed and purposed by God. Each step of conceiving a child to then bringing it into the world, finds its spiritual parallel. And so I wonder where is the spiritual parallel for pregnancy. Oh, some quick answers come to mind, but we ponderers never stop at the quick answers.
I, for one, will try to be very patient with myself next time I feel disquiet and wrestling in my spirit. If I don't happen upon an obvious reason, then maybe I'm gestating. In that uncomfortable first trimester. And the solution is not to make a lot of decisions to try and fix it, but to instead stay the course and let the purpose of God grow until its ready to be known.