Friday, July 3, 2009

Colorless

I'm finding myself in a situation - over and over - where it feels like I'm being drained of my color.

I'm out on a limb here. This is vulnerable discomfort. I don't like to speak in the midst of discomfort and struggle. I tend to go on 'lock down' and get especially internal when I'm wrestling for my footing. When I'm slipping around on old ideas that have melted beneath my feet and I need to search for rock solid truth on which to reestablish myself - and then I'll talk about it.

And when I know, I'll make sure to add some resolution to this post. But for now I'm leaning on the fact that the Psalms are full of victorious songs and vulnerable songs.

When I was 19 years old I was counseling at a Foursquare summer camp for the middle school age kids. The leaders of the camp and the represented churches took the counselors aside once to encourage, bless and pray for the counselors. I received two life defining words from the Lord (though I didn't know at the time). One in particular has become part of the language He and I have:
-a woman came to me and said, "I see you walking in the forest and the scene is black and white and you are happy even though its just black and white around you. And I see you reaching a gate and when you walk through the gate you and everything around you turns into bright and vivid color." I knew it to mean that my current life was black and white and I was headed into color. And I did.

So, I've reached this certain place again where for the 6th week or more...I feel the color draining out of me. Is it really draining? Am I just in a newer season of the invitation to take my Isaac, my color and lay it down before a trustworthy Father? I just don't know right now. I'll intercede with my tears until then, trusting that He is the Author and Perfector of my journey. Which I can say with all the confidence in me that is very much IS.

I've also spent the past 10 days dealing with a respiratory sickness that has effected my breathing and taken my voice away. I've had to forfeit my singing and worship leading to others for a week now. Without the release of singing, even my spirit feels like it can't breathe.

So...I guess that leaves me feeling a bit colorless and homeless. That is oddly funny to me!

Psalm 42
"As the deer pants for the water brooks, So my soul pants for You, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?.......
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence."

(don't worry, I'm still smiling)

2 comments:

  1. i understand, i think. i went through a season when i had vocal nodules in college and i was a music/voice major (which it led me to lay down the vocal emphasis and stick with theory/composition) and couldn't sing (i was also involved in leading worship at the time, in 3 choirs, voice lessons... and couldn't sing). i wasn't supposed to even talk for 3 weeks of it - like a forced silent retreat. took a full semester of college to work through the healing for my voice and longer for the healing in my soul from the pain that it created.

    as you have written about so beautifully in your music, press into Him in this season of laying down... it can be the greatest place of encounter because Jesus is the ram with His horns caught in the thorns.

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  2. Thank you for this sweet encouragement! I really value your input and perspective and you put it so beautifully.
    My voice is slowly getting better. Very slowly. And not only is it hard for me to not sing, but its hard to tell everyone I serve under that I can't do what I said I would. But it sounds like you really understand and I really needed to hear that from someone else. Thanks.

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